Gordon Ramsay's family dramas

The F words are finances, feud and father-in-lawMight I suggest an accompaniment to the following dish? Then pour youself a transfats martini, because our business is with the internecine struggles of the House of Ramsay. Malfunctioning chef Gordon has officially gone to war with his father-in-law and erstwhile mentor Chris Hutcheson.When the historians come to document the fall of this briefly flowering dynasty, they are unlikely to alight on comparisons with the Borgias or the Medicis ? or indeed any of the better psychopathic European families. No, Lost in Showbiz likes to think of the Ramsays as an infinitely more crap, Wandsworth-based version of the Carringtons, whose hammy bickering one settles down to for an hour a week, just to shriek in delight at the ludicrousness of it all, at the same time as nursing relief that one doesn't know such people socially.We shall come to the latest vulgarity shortly, but first, a quick recap of the dramatis personae. The aforementioned Chris looks like the sort of man who'd describe himself as the "proud sire" of Tana, who, you'll recall from the many lucrative magazine shoots to highlight this fact, is married to Gordon ? the universe's most over-extended chef. (Expect the Uranus iteration of his gastropub chain to open next week, before closing in December blaming unseasonable temperatures of minus 220C for keeping clientele away.) Tana is also author of two cookbooks ? Tana Ramsay's Family Kitchen and Tana Ramsay's Phoned-in Nepotist Canapes ? and last year attempted to graduate from the nursery slopes of the chef's spouse circuit with a stint on Dancing on Ice.As for Chris, it was he who first backed his son-in-law financially, and together they came to rule the galaxy as stewards of Gordon Ramsay Holdings. So imagine Chris's shock when, a fortnight ago, the newly Botoxed Gordon got his lawyers to sack him ? Ramsay was out buying a �200,000 Ferrari at the time ? while stories about his father-in-law having siphoned �1.5m in loans out of the business hit the press.Such cash loans are perfectly legal, as Chris has made plain. He has added that he is distraught that Tana has "fled" to LA, and is no-speaks with both him and her uncomprehending mother, Greta.Alas, that is not all Chris has added. In fact, he has added a full 3,000-word interview with the Mail on Sunday, in which he explains that his son-in-law has become a "monster", perverted by the world of celebrity. "Gordon doesn't make friends, doesn't keep friends," he declares. "He brings in the LA lot, the Beckhams of this world, but they aren't real friends. I was his great mate who saved him from so many holes it is untrue. Do I know everything? No. But I do know where Gordon's bodies are buried. Take me up on the Moors and I could show you where."What a well-advised analogy. With judgment like that, the well-documented troubles of Gordon Ramsay Holdings seem even more baffling. But do go on, Chris."It was only two months ago Tana came to see me and said, 'Dad, what are we going to do with Gordon? I need to have my Gordon back, he has become a monster . . .' I remember asking him if he was on drugs but he denied it."Crikey. "This marriage of Gordon and Tana was a marriage of three," laments Papa. "We were a package. It was my job to protect that brand."A somewhat icky job for a father. After all, in the image they choose to sell to the public, the Ramsays have always lurched between mainlining the Boden catalogue and attempting to persuade the public of their Burton-and-Taylor levels of sexual chemistry. As a result, they have fallen between both stools in a manner that tends to arouse suspicion if not sympathy, no matter how many times Tana co-opts their kids into cottage pie recipes, or Gordon tells chatshow viewers that she likes to fill her mouth with ice-cubes or have him give her a good seeing-to in his chef's jacket."Gordon is a very strange character," says Chris, who doesn't sound the most normal chap himself. "I have dealt with his breakdowns for a number of years. He has had a number of them. I have had him sat in front of me bursting into tears . . .""Gordon is like Pinocchio," Chris continues, before rolling out a visual metaphor that I suspect is soon to make an unscheduled appearance in my night terrors. "He is a very attractive puppet, and kids love him. He is painted nice colours, has a big nose which is funny, and is full of charisma." Shudder . . . "After a while, though, Pinocchio decides that he is what the show is all about. He doesn't need a puppet master so he cuts the strings and he falls down in a heap. That is what it is all about."But is it? We can't be sure, because Gordon's gob ? once state-of-the-art in swearword-dispensing technology ? is clamped sullenly shut, with his publicist declaring the chef and Tana "shocked and saddened by Chris's actions". "This is a private business and family matter," we are prissily informed, which would nomally suggest the Ramsays were planning a lucrative business venture based on it.Yet something in my waters suggests Chris is dicing with danger with this outburst ? one tries to ignore the obliquely angled diary items in other newspapers, but one doesn't always succeed ? and may yet come to regret throwing around incendiary accusations as part of his bid "to get my daughter back".Either way, we can only hope the House of Ramsay finds a way to monetise these increasingly amusing plotlines. To set the ball rolling, Lost in Showbiz humbly suggests the publication of Sweeter than a Serpent's Tooth: Tana Ramsay's Recipes for Filial Ingratitude.CelebrityGordon RamsayMarina Hydeguardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010 | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More FeedsHeidi Klum Drew Barrymore Alec Baldwin Kiefer Sutherland Tina Fey